16. i am not my parents' investment, i am their daughter

I feel so completely lost. B. is away visiting friends in another state. He is coming back tonight though. I don't know if I was relieved when he left or sad. Now that he comes back tonight I am not sure if I am happy or not. I know I am looking forward to him coming back though. Kind of.

This is driving me crazy. I can't wait for him to come back because I've missed him, but I don't want him to come back because sometimes, well most times, it just hurts to be around him. On the phone he said that he feels like I don't love him and I'm just forcing myself to be here out of comfort and familiarity. I was silent, he hit a nail right on the head (a nail, but not all the nails).

Since he cheated on me, I just can't look at him the same way. It just isn't the same. "I love you" isn't the same. I used to get a warm feeling when I thought about our relationship, like the first time he said I love you to me, and now I think of it, and I flutter, and then I think, "oh wait, did he really mean it? If he did, then why did he cheat on me? Maybe he never loved me". And then I just can't feel good about those moments anymore. They're tainted, they're not sincere like I thought they were, they don't seem real anymore. I am just not happy anymore.

I told him that. I told him that I am not happy today. I'm really not, I just thought this was a phase, something that happens after infidelity. I thought it would go away when we got over this, except now I just feel dead. I feel like I'm losing myself, I feel horrible.

B. moved back to his parents' place. This is a big deal to me. When he lived in the apartment, I became attached to it, it became my second home, my safe haven, until I caught him sleeping with my friend there. But even after that, it was OUR place, it was somewhere I would go to and I could stay there for 4 nights. I could stay there and when he came back from work in the morning, I'd be the one to wake up to him. It was my place too (in a way).

You see, about a year ago he dropped this huge bomb on me. His parents wanted him to buy them a house, and he said he would buy them a house. Maybe it's just me, I'm not traditional that way. All Chinese parents talk about their kids buying a house for them. I think this is the most selfish act a parent can partake on their children. I understand that parents want to be happy, but asking to buy a house for them is a HUGE thing. It's not like buying a sofa or a TV, a house costs quite a pretty penny. Especially buying a house in a place like New York City. The way I see it, because someone wants to be happy, they ask someone else to give up some of their hard earned money and happiness and hope of having their own home just so the person asking can have their happiness. It would be different if B. were loaded, but he's not. He makes an average income, and last year when the whole buying-the-house thing came up, he didn't even finish paying off his college loans yet.

It's tricky though. B.'s mom isn't in the greatest health, so he wants to spend more time with her and he feels that he cost them this house. He feels that he made them give up their dreams of buying a house. And I ask how. And he says because they had him as a son.

I think B. is a great son. He treats his family like royalty. I don't even want to go into how he spoils his family (it would just make you sick to hear). Not only does he spoil them materialistically, he is like their goddamn hand servant. He does everything for them. And I mean EVERYTHING. He pays their bills, he handles their technical problems, he does them favors, he does their FRIENDS favors, he buys them amazing things (great sound system for their TV, great computers, cable, foot massager, miscellaneous gadgets) all the time.

So considering all this, I am just befuddled. He said that his parents gave up buying a house because they had him as a son. Someone hit me across the head, do people not CHOOSE to have children? It's not like he made them pay for his tuition or anything. They fed him, clothed him, raised him, but do not all parents do that? I understand parenting is all about sacrifice, but what I HATE most about Chinese parents is that they see their children as INVESTMENTS. And it absolutely makes me sick with disgust. I hate that, I absolutely hate it! You have no idea just how much I hate it!

And it makes me so angry the way his family mistreats him! Oh yes, they do mistreat him. I don't mean they beat him or anything, they use him. B. doesn't see this though, he just says that his family is helpless. And that is the sickening part, they are. They do not choose to make themselves able to do things. They have not taken the effort to learn English, which is the first step. To my understanding, his family has been living here for 21 years. I think that gives them time to learn English! But they don't, they still don't know English. They have tried, but they have not really tried. They have taken a baby step and then thrown their hands up in surrender. Oh well, we have our children to do it for us! It makes me SICK.

This whole buying a house thing, I just don't understand. I don't. When B. and I first started going out, the first mother's day that passed (or it might have been his mom's birthday), he emptied out his bank account and gave them all his money so they could buy a house. But his mother asks him to buy him a house, and of course, without any hesitation, B. says of course he will. I am glad he loves his mother, it is way better than him hating her, but is there a limit to being a Momma's Boy? And I feel like I'm being dragged into this, because if we are together in the future, then this will definitely affect my life, will it not? If a couple buys a house for someone else, I think that is going to be a big thing. From the financial aspect, this is going to cost quite a lot, it's not like B. has been saving up for buying a house or anything, his money goes toward paying bills and materialistic things, so whatever money he makes, is not there in a couple months. B. does not live frugally either. I'm sure he could if he wanted to, but as of now, he doesn't. So, the money I make in the future will also go toward this house for his parents. And I am extremely pissed, because the money I plan to make it for my future, for my childrens future, for my husband's future, and now it is going to go to this house that I do not even want to live in.

B. said that I don't have to put any of my money into this house, but does it really matter in the end. If we do marry, isn't the money in the same pot? The money he spends on this house, is less money for the future of not just ourselves, but our children.

Thinking way ahead am I? I do that a lot, but does that seem like the inevitable path to you? Because that sure seems like the inevitable path to me.

I guess I have it lucky. At least I'm not married to him or we don't have any children. We could just end this, stop all this, and it could be a clean break. No messy divorce to deal with, no kids to worry about being traumatized.

I'm sorry, but I can't do it. I'm miserable, but I can't do it.

15. yearn

It's storming outside. It's like something trying to escape. The rain, or the thunder. Maybe they're both trying to run away. Maybe they're just trying to find something. It's like a fierce fight.

 

I'm yearning for something. I'm yearning to live, I've felt so dead. This is not me. Do you hear me? This is NOT ME. It's something else, someone else. I feel like I don't even exist anymore, I feel like a ghost, like vapor, like fog. My eyes are empty, like my heart is. I don't know who I am anymore, and maybe no one really knows who they are. But I used to at least feel like I knew who I was, I at least felt like I knew who a little of me was. Now I just don't know anymore. It's like trying to see in the dark. What?

 

I like Led Zeppelin and Red Hot Chili Peppers. I like cats and literature. I want to own a house some day and become a CPA. I want to go to London and get away from everything. I want to leave all this, all of this, I want to leave it and go somewhere and start fresh. I want to be new. I want to be born again.

 

I want to be me again.

14. the damage has been done, it's time to heal

Returning the CDs to Pam was like the thing that symbolically finalized the whole thing, the last step, the seal on the bag. There are still a few little things, and I'll probably talk to B. about them later, but he never sees it the same way, and I don't really expect him to. I'll just have to see if he'll do this one small thing, or not.

 

I can't say I'm completely over it, I don't even know if I'm half over it. Now, it just seems that I'm numb. Just numb. The agony, the pain, the grief, it's like it just became a part of my usual environment. And I just learn to live with it, bear with it, I learned to walk around with it. I'm hoping some day, one day, I will finally be me again. I don't want to be defined by this. I don't want to be the girl whose boyfriend slept with one of her friends. That is not me. I think ever since I got together with B. I've started losing sight of myself and my identity. I became part of him, and lost some of me.

 

I used to like reading and writing a lot. I used to like music and math, I used to like history and literature. I still like most of these, but I haven't been paying attention to them enough. I feel that way. I still haven't learned the fine art of time management, I haven't learned how to balance my love life and my personal life. I haven't learned the technique to keeping me me, and still being a part of him.

 

I don't want to be defined by this pain, but these days, I feel like that's all there is to me. I've become shallow and materialistic. I deem myself worthy when others deem myself worthy. When they compliment my writing or my hair. Or when they tell me how pretty I am and how smart I am. I used to know these things about myself. I used to know my writing was good, I used to know that I was smart, and now I need people to tell me. I never used to be like that, I used to know myself.

 

After I found B. sleeping with Pam, I became insanely insecure. I compared myself to her. "Do you want her more than you want me?" "Is there something she has that I lack?" and all these stupid questions that only made me agonize so much more. I think knowing the truth to these questions is essential to healing though. Of course B. said that it was not because I was lacking anything or that she was better than me, he just did it because he was stupid. Like Clinton said, he had an affair for the stupidest reason, just because he could. God, men are such assholes sometimes.

 

I can't say much for myself though, I've cheated on boyfriends myself. Although none of them were as serious as B. and I are. For this one person, we were only dating for about 3 weeks and I was so disgusted by him, and I ended up liking his friend so his friend and I were kissing on the street and got caught by someone who knew the guy I was dating. My drive for doing that was two fold. First because I really liked his friend, and second because I wanted a reason to stop seeing the guy I was dating. And that second reason reminds me of what B. said when he told me that he wanted to do something to have me go away. That is purely selfish. Totally selfish, and now I realize that. Because you are hurting someone to side step the actual break-up with someone.

 

I think often that I'm not strong enough for this. I'm not strong enough to get through this, I should just stop trying. I should throw in the towel, stop seeing B. altogether, get myself together, I'm not strong enough to be in a relationship. And sometimes I think I'm just tricking myself, that this isn't worth all this pain and tears. All this work. I think that the only reason I'm staying is because it would be a pity to throw away a relationship I've already put 2 years and a half worth of effort in to. Maybe ending it with B. is the answer. Maybe we just need a lot of time apart, to heal, to lick our wounds, and in a couple years, maybe if the time is still right, we can get back together. Or maybe we won't get back together, and we'll find someone else we can be happy with, because now, it just hurts. It just hurts, hurts, hurts. I just hurt hurt hurt, and when I hurt like this, he hurts too. If I ever voice my pains, I know he feels guilty, so I don't want to voice them anymore. And I know it's all counter productive, but Jesus, it is so hard. Half the time I feel like I'm numbed by pain and then something triggers me and I just want to bawl like a baby.

 

I also tell myself that one day, one day far away, we'll get through all this, and it will just feel so good. And I'll be truly happy again, and I can finally stop having this storm cloud hanging over my head.

13. i was born in the morning

I am hopelessly depressed. My friend wants to go to a restaurant to celebrate my birthday. My friend, not me. She suggested it a few weeks ago and since then she has been bugging me about details. Where, when, who. I do not have the heart to tell her I do not want to do this stupid dinner thing with everybody, but I just want to be alone. I don't get hurt when I am alone.

So we are going to a dinner (that I do not want to do), and yet my friend is STILL bugging me about what we are doing afterwards. She wants to drink. I do not drink (although there is a first time for everything). I have already told her NO to drinking three times, and she keeps pushing me, asking me. I hate being pushed. I am a sucker, but I have a limit. A dinner is fine, if I were in a better mood I would love dinner, except she made it into this whole big deal with details and planning and meeting up and invitation. I hate big deals. I like casual, very very casual. If this were done my way, I would tell nobody that my birthday is coming up and I would just call them on my birthday spontaneously and say, "Hey, today is my birthday, want to go to dinner with me and friends?". No pressure, no planning, no obligations.I just did not have the heart to tell her that I did not want this birthday thing, she has been waiting so long for a bunch of our friends to finally get together this summer. So now, my birthday is her first chance and she jumps at it, and I just did not have the heart even though I am half dreading it.

I wanted B. to go to the dinner with me. But he has work. He did not take a day off like he did last year. He did not even TRY. He did not even ask. I understand if he asked and they refused, at least he showed some effort, but that effort is not there and I am hurt because I just want a nice birthday. I have never had a nice birthday with him. And now I am crying, because all I want is a nice birthday, some time with him, a thoughtful gift (not clothes, I am not into clothes). I just want a nice birthday, I want to feel special. I never feel special. Not on my birthday, in fact last year, I was the last thing on his list of special people. First came his sister who he spoiled rotten on my birthday, and then his mother, and then after he dealt with all his family's wants, he said "okay, let's go celebrate your birthday now (now that I have gotten everything else out of the way and all that is left is your birthday)".

Even if I married him and I was his wife, I would still not be family, because family is very important to B. and he spoils his family rotten, I'm surprised there aren't worms crawling out of them. But even if I was his wife I know that I would still be on the bottom of that list. The only way he would ever treat me like a special person is if I am carrying his baby. I am so jealous of his sister, he always treats her like someone special. And she is, she's his sister after all. But it is not fair (I know I am whining, I'm sorry). She doesn't even appreciate a third of the things he does for her! SHE does not wait 6 hours every day until he wakes up so she can get 5 minutes of his individual attention. She does not plan his gifts meticulously for no special occasion. (There was this one time a little before my birthday I bought B. a bottle of cologne. I wanted to get the perfect scent, so I compiled a list of all his current fragrances, the ingredients in them, found the common ingredients in them, and then looked at hundreds of fragrances. I made a list of possible fragrances he might like, the ingredients those fragrances contained and I cross referenced them by ingredient trying to figure out which scent B. would like best. I got a headache sniffing all of them, and finally settled on one). His sister does not do that, and yet she gets the best of the best of him. SHE does not conform every second of her free time to meet his schedule. And where is the justice in that?

12. i don't know what's happening to me

I am changing, and not in a good way. It scares me too, because I have never been like this before and it is scary to be this way. I am hurting others for no reason except that I am angry and hurt and I do not know what to do anymore because nothing I do does anything.
 
I never feel important. On my birthday (which is very soon), I never feel important. At least not since I have been with B. He had to work the first time, and he forgot that it was my birthday. But I was trying to be a good girlfriend so I let it slide and I gave him massages because he was tired from work, I helped organize his papers and do his work, I waited until he went to bed and then I went home myself. That was my first birthday with him.
 
On my second birthday with him he took a day off work. I was so happy that he did, that was the best gift he could have given me. Except he left my gifts (a bunch of random books) at his parent's place, so he said we would just drop by there quickly to pick them up. We drop by there, and stay for 6 hours. We stay for lunch and chit chat. His sister swaps phones with him because hers does not work upstate. His sister does not like his cover so we drive around for 2 hours so she can get a nice cover for the nice phone her brother is giving her. Then B. decided that his sister needs a new great video card for the new great computer he gave her. So we go to the computer store and he pays approximately 400 dollars for a nice new video card for his sister, which I later find out, she does not even want and never even utilized the new functions it gave her.
 
THEN we go back to his place, and he is all ready to celebrate my birthday.
 
I am angry, I am more than angry, I am utterly disgusted at why I ALWAYS have to get the leftovers of him. I understand when it is absolutely necessary, when he has to work or when there is an emergency. But did his sister NEED to get a new cover for the cell phone right away? Did his sister NEED to get a new video card (that she did not even want) right away? Did we have to stay lounging about at his parents place doing NOTHING but chit chatting all the live long day?
 
B. likes spending time with his family. I understand that. I like spending time with my family too. But guess what.
 
I never do. I feel like I'm giving a whole lot more than I am getting back. I don't even feel like I am getting a modicum of it back. I have not been home for dinner for a year. B. works at night now, so he sleeps in the day time. I go over in the afternoon and nap for 6 hours with him with the little microscropic ray of hope that I get at least 5 minutes with him if he doesn't wake up late and have to rush rush rush. I plan my schedule around his schedule. I mark down his days off on my calander so I know not to schedule an appointment to the doctor or whatnot when he has a day off. Because I know if I did, I just gave up the ONLY time I may have of spending any time with him that really qualifies as spending time together.
 
In school, I did not participate in certain extra cirricular activities because if I did then that meant that I am giving up time to spend with B. I gave up going to all family gatherings except Chinese New Year (once a year) so I could spend a little time with B. I visited my aunt last week and she doesn't even recognize me anymore! It has been THAT long since I have seen my family.
 
I only hang out with my friends when I know he is occupied (sleeping, with his family, working), so I see my friends next to never. He complains about his family always asking him to do stuff. It's because he always does it. He says that if he doesn't do it, no one else will do it. It's because they all know he will do it without questioning him.
 
The other day he had to assist in translation in the hospital, even though there were people who could translate. He complained about how they called him and did not bother to call anybody else. When they called him to help them (he was on his way to pick me up from work), he immediately dropped whatever he was doing to go help. He did not ask them if they could ask somebody else to translate, he just agreed to go.
 
When he buys me birthday gifts, they don't even seem like they had much thought put into it. Like last year, it was books thrown together, a few clicks on the computer. This year, it's clothes, I already know it's clothes, and if ANYBODY knows me, they KNOW that the gift to get me is not clothes because I'm not that into clothes. And I am betting it is lingerie, which isn't a gift for ME, it's really a gift for HIM.
 
I know I'm not at the top of his priority list. Even if I gave up my whole life for him, he'd never notice. I always have to wait for leftovers.

11. slapped in the face with punishment

Pam still had a couple of B.'s CDs and I had left a CD at B's place that was Pam's. There was still the matter of returning these items. On my last conversation with Pam on the computer I asked her to return the CD's whenever she had time. She stopped by B's place and gave them back. B. forgot to return the other CD to her. B. went over to play some ball, and Pam was there too. When I got off the subway, I walked by the park and I saw B. there, and he was playing ball with Pam. I was hurt, and shocked, but mostly hurt.

Later, B. explained to me that there was no one else there that he could play ball with, so he asked her. I was still hurt. Had it been me, I would have just not played. We got in a fight over how I got mad at him over nothing, how I'm controlling, how I'm not letting him do what he wants.

"So what is this now!? I can't even SEE her? I'm not supposed to go to play ball EVER because she MIGHT BE THERE?!", he said.

B. is very big on how I try to control him. He likes his freedom, his stretch space. In getting over this infidelity, he wanted to do it HIS way. I wanted to do it MY way, and I was very hurt when he did not want to do it my way. Perhaps I was brainwashed. After he slept with Pam I looked up articles and read anything I could find on getting over infidelity. In everything I read, it said that the cheating partner must agree to do what the faithful partner suggests, because this shows the unfaithful partner's willingness to do what it takes even if it's not what he/she likes, this shows commitment to the process. B. did not want to conform and do it my way, so when I asked him to purge of her screen name, of everything, he did not do it, and instead did what he wanted to do. He said, "isn't it better if I do it on my own time? Wouldn't that show you more than if I did it because you commanded me to?". Yes, but how could I know he was going to get rid of that stuff, EVER? Even today, he still has stuff lying around of Pam's. And YES, it would show more, but it would help me sleep better if he would just do it.

I was stuck between a rock and a hard place. You must understand that this was not very long after he slept with her. You can imagine how hard it is to trust someone after they have slept with someone else. He said I just have to trust him. Regaining trust is the hardest thing in the world. I don't even think B. realizes that because even now, he gets angry when I don't trust him. It comes gradually and very slowly. It inches slower than glaciers.

When we left the park, Pam said bye to B., she would play ball with him, say good-bye to him, and be civil to him, even though he slept with her and told her that it doesn't mean anything, but she can hate me for doing nothing. I was so frustrated and angry at that injustice. Why should I lose a friend just because B. did something?! Why should I pay for his wrong doing?! And why should I have to pay such a large price?! I was so angry and frustrated.

Now, reader, you must understand, I have many acquantices, but as far as friends go I have very few. I think this is the case for many people. Some people are just better friends than others. For example, I have this elementary school friend, we went our separate ways after elementary school and did not talk for 3 years. When I saw her again after those 3 years we talked and laughed as if that time had never elapsed. I have another friend whom I've known since childhood, we were inseparable but she moved across the country a few years ago. Her mother (whom she lives with now) does not allow her to talk to me because she has this unreasonable hatred toward people from New York City.

This friend of mine, Elizabeth, she was my best friend. Our families were connected in this weird way. Her cousin was my brother's best friend, her younger cousin was in the same class as my younger cousin, our fathers knew each other, our grandparents knew each other. Her family, was kind of like my family. I was devastated when she moved and did not leave my house for 3 weeks. Since then, I've become wary of friends and I try not to lose friends when I find one that I can relate to.

I cannot say Pam was my best friend, but she was a friend. When I knew her in junior high we were in two different cliques, so I didn't talk to her much except for the few instances I was in class and saw her. I can't say it's the same as my elementary school friend where it seemed like time had never passed, I'd have to say that Pam and I we were never great friends to begin with in Junior High, but after cliques stopped becoming so important, we were able to actually be friends.

That was my reasoning for wanting to "iron things out" with Pam. She didn't see it that way, she saw it as me trying to protect my image of the "nice girl", of the "good holy righteous girl", but I was really just trying to get closer so I could do more damage to her. I don't think I'm "holy", or "goody-goody", that was just my reasoning. I didn't expect us to be friends again, if I were to be friends with her then I wouldn't be able to be with B. If you look at it that way, I was caught between two people, my boyfriend, or my new friend. I "chose" my boyfriend. I say "chose" because Pam hated me anyway, so it's not like I had much of a choice.

I was so angry at B., it's like he commits murder and he weasels out of the punishment and instead I get slapped in the face with the death sentence. I hate losing friends, I have never lost a friend before. I suppose you could say I lost Elizabeth, but I am so convicted that if we were to ever meet again it would be like the years had never passed. That, and I still have threads connecting me to her family. There was nothing I could do about Elizabeth leaving though, but with B., I found it so unfair! How could she not be angry at B. but be angry at me? I don't even know what she was angry at me for! In fact, she didn't even know what she HERSELF was angry at me for!

I told B. that it is so unfair that she can still be friends with him, with HIM, the guy who had sex with her and told her that it doesn't mean anything, but she can't be friends with me who she hates for no apparent reason.

"Well, what do you want me to do about that?! I can't make her change, that's just how she is! If she wants to hate unreasonably than that's her! I can't help that! That's just the way she is, why are you blaming me?!", B. said.

I did not blame him, I was blinded with injustice. It really isn't his fault that she hates me, that was just her reasoning.

When I think about it now, I'm not even sure if Pam and I would have made good friends. I think, I am more serious than she is. For example, when we were working together. She liked to play around a lot, she was very chit-chatty. Sure, the office we worked in was quite laid back, but it was still a professional place. I was chit-chatty as well, but I didn't like to linger around just to chat. So if someone was passing by my desk, we could stop for a couple seconds for a few exchanged words. With Pam, when I was working in the back, she came over while I was stuffing envelopes for a presentation and she just sat there for a good hour and a half chatting with me while I stuffed envelopes. It was fun, I could have definitely used the company, but when I asked if she had any work to do at her desk she said no and she was bored so could she stay and chat with me until they gave her something to do? I should have told her she was going to get us both in trouble, but I didn't, instead I said "Okay.. I guess so". Which is the wrong answer (now I know that).

There are a few key differences in Pam and I that would have caused problems were they to ever occur (again). Such as her knack for avoiding confrontation, how she lets everything get to her (ie: the incident with our supervisor reprimanding us for goofing off at work), how she holds grudges for reasons that don't seem plausible, how she doesn't listen when people talk, but hears what she wants to hear (B. says I do the same because when he tells me something I scoff and say "yeah, right". I HEAR it, I just don't BELIEVE it.)

As of today, I don't know what Pam thinks of me. Maybe she still hates me, maybe she doesn't. I don't hate her, I just figure that if we did have a strong friendship, it wouldn't be this way. But we weren't friends for that long any how. I asked her if we could be civil, but I guess her and I have different definitions of being civil. In a few obscure references she wrote on her online journal she said that if I have something to say, say it to her face, and she'll smack the crap out of me, and if she ever sees my face again she'll smack the crap out of me. She saw me, and no, she did not smack me. I guess since she did not physically touch me, but just verbally assaulted me that could still be considered "civil", I just didn't want any kind of slanderous revenge, or any sort of childish word play because I think not only is that uncivil, it is also tremendously immature and that just sickens me. I used to hang out with people who loved to play the childish name calling slanderous game. I stopped hanging out with them for the same reason, because they were so amazingly stupid and I kept wondering what in the world am I doing with people who can't even act civilly.

10. for the lonely hearted.

I went around blogspot and found a few interesting journals. I left comments. I'm whoring for publicity. It's sad, but true. This was really supposed to help me, because I didn't talk about my boyfriend cheating on me, not half as much as I wanted to with even my boyfriend. And I didn't tell my friends in fear of humiliation and I would hate for them to look at me with their sorry eyes. "There's that poor girl whose boyfriend slept with one of her friends". I don't need that sympathy right now. I would like to tell them after, after I get through all this, so they could see how strong I am, except I don't know when that is, and I don't know if it will ever happen.

But if it won't ever happen why am I still with B.? I have hope, sometimes it runs thin, sometimes it rushes through me like a strong river, sometimes it's just there and I feel peaceful. Finally peacefull. Blessedly hopeful and deliriously hopeful. This was really supposed to help me, because I couldn't stand having everything pent up inside me. It makes me want to explode, or implode, it made me want to cry and cry and I don't like to cry. So I wrote it here, on this journal, on the internet, with hopes of getting rid of my frustation. It worked, kind of. It helped, sort of. But if no one reads it, I might as well keep it pent up, right?

So I whore myself out to you, the internet world.

Sometimes, I get so incredibly lonely. Maybe it's my teenage hormones going on a spree, I really don't know. I just feel great sometimes and I feel like crap the next. I'm not suicidal (if anybody is thinking that). I thought about suicide, over a guy, oh God, I turned into everything I never want to be. To be a wimpering girl clingling to her boyfriend and who is lost without him.

I wasn't always that way. I used to know who I was (or so I thought). I used to do great in school, aced all my classes, all my exams. Teachers loved me, I was the one that actively participated when no one else did and got the ball rolling on class discussions. I was the one they never had to worry about. My grades dropped, they didn't drop, they plummeted. It was amazing to see. I was amazed. It's went from something great to something average. I shouldn't be complaining, but I am. I would apologize, but I'm not sorry.

For now, the worst part of my story is over. It still hurts to write and that's why I'm not writing it right now. Reliving someone whom I've been with for 2 years and something odd months, who I managed to attach myself to in a way that is so temptingly dangerous, cheating on me with my friend, is not something I like to write. But it helps. And if it helps, then God bless it, at least it helps.

Before Pam slept with my boyfriend, she told me that she used to look up to me (before the whole incident). Because I was in the "cool" crowd when I knew her in junior high. I didn't think I was cool, I was just me. I listened to The Beatles, Van Halen, Tracy Chapman, and my old friends thought I was corny. I was shunned out from being "popular" because I left that crowd so I could be myself. She said she looked up to me and respected me because I knew what I wanted, I knew what colleges I want to go to, I knew what I wanted to major in, I knew where I wanted to go, and I knew how to get it.

I still know what I want and how to get it. I'm so grateful I didn't lose that in this whole infidelity thing.

I'm not religious, but I find myself praying to God, to anyone, more frequently now. I used to go to church and Sunday school, when I was a kid. I don't anymore, but I kind of want to go back. I just figured I needed something to hold on to, God, anybody. Just to keep me going.. you know?